Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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