He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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