What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
