if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
