I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
