If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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