Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
