woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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