its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize