Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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