She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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