I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
