I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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