***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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