Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
