so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
