her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
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I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
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Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ππ#pensacolaproblems
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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