I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
