i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
