I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
