My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
