I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
