You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
