i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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