He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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