I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
