Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
