i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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