I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
