Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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