dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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