After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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