the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
