I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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