I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
