my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
