I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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