In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
