A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
another moral hangover. fuck.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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