burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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