I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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