Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
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Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
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Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.