He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
