you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
