You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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