so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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