why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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