I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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