Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
