Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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