I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
