then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
