I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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