the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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