dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
