I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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