I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
